finally free
of my binding chains
two years lost
as my growth became stagnant.
life went on
no longer dependent
i could now see
the game i had been playing
so clearly.
my potential no longer being robbed
my life my own once more.

then came another
another story of her own
a hundred lives in her past
a capacity unlimited.
same as always
a pretty face
a winsome personality
i didn't try to fight
the attraction
nor did i let it
consume me.
but something was different
this one was special
it became apparent
for the first time in my life
that another had the same feelings for me
that had grown for her inside me.

i had seen in the mirror
a man grown strong by his trials
though there was some business
left unfinished in his past.
i was fully aware
of the regression that had begun
as i became the person
the demon
the victim
i was before.
it was her doing
though she held no malice
and could not be blamed.

an enshrouded past
and an uncertain present
brought temptation into my life.
i was tested constantly
as a guinea pig
as a high school student
so she could discover
my capacity
for anger and jealousy.
it took every ounce of willpower
every trick up my sleeve
to keep them in check
and to trust in the person
who seemed so eager
to build doubt in my heart.
"if she says she loves me
does she really?
if she cannot see me
by whose choice is that decision made?
is she telling me the truth
what is sincerely in her heart
or is she merely fabricating
what she believes i wish to hear?
do i love her
or must i continue to wait for that gift?"

i have not yet been defeated.
she has made me angrier than ever before
happier than ever before
but if she keeps pushing me
will i be able to hold on?
will i give into temptation
and ruin all my hard work
and break her heart
and stain my soul?
will i see this as a fight
and begin to fight back
and let it deteriorate
into a battle of egos?
will i emerge victorious
and truly feel love
for the first time?

one thing keeps me going
the hope that things will improve
that we will be together
and finally sharing our minds
our souls
our hopes
our fears
our lives
our love.
i will try to be optimistic
and patient
for a gift well worth the wait
when i am free
finally free
of the restricting chains
of temptation.

--Peter Johnson, 1995